Ocean of Wildfire Chapter VIII

Ocean of Wildfire
Chapter VIII: Oh Baby Let Me In

This charcoal-colored day brought shadows upon the entire town. There was that familiar smell in the atmosphere, one that follows after rain. The grass was slightly wet and the sun was behind clouds of taupe. This late week in May marked the three month anniversary for Rose and I. I'm not one for counting but I thought I would come pick her up after school as a surprise since I got off of work early. These slippery roads weren't going to stop me from coming to her. Mikey already got a ride home from Jay. I looked at my watch and it was 3:06 P.M. and I was finally at the school. I parked in my usual spot but Rose wasn't at the steps like she would be with Mikey. I assumed that it was due to the weather.

I walked into the school building in search of her. She told me she would be staying after school to study with friends. I assumed she would be at the school library. I walked by the library and glanced around the room but Rose wasn't there. There was an old librarian at the counter typing at a computer. She was always here when I came to pick up Rose so I knew she would recognize me. I tapped on the desk to get her attention. When she looked at me I took another quick glance to see if Rose was in the room, but to my amazement she wasn't.
"Is Rose here?" I asked her. The librarian looked up.
"The girl you always come to pick up?" she asked. I nodded.
"Yeah." I assured her. I looked at the table she would usually be sitting at with friends but her stuff wasn't there. That made me wonder.
"Are you her brother?" the librarian asked me.
"Oh no," I told her, "I'm her boyfriend."
"Ah," the librarian said, "I'll look for her."
"Okay." I said as she stood up and walked around the library. She came back moments later.
"No, I'm sorry hun but she's not here today." the librarian told me.
"Okay, thank you." I said walking away and taking out my cell phone. I looked up and down the hallway as I looked for her number. I opened a nearby door to go upstairs because that was where the bathroom was. As I went up the stairs I started calling her, hoping that she would answer. The moment I had reached the top of the stairs I heard a phone ring. It sounded just like Rose's ring tone. I was about to open the door to the next hallway when I took a look through the glass window.

There was Rose, kissing Brian in the hallway outside of the bathrooms. My mouth dropped and my hands trembled. I felt an abundance of rage explode within me. My heart broke into a million pieces, which broke into another million pieces, which then turned to dust. I was devastated beyond my comprehension. I saw Rose pull away from Brian and reach for the phone in her purse. She noticed it was me and decided to answer it, not knowing I was watching her.
"Hello?" she answered. I didn't say anything at first.
"…Look…behind you…" I told her. Rose looked behind me and noticed my face in the window of the door just before the stairs. She gasped as I made a fist and punched the window. There was an enormous smash right before her and Brian. Pieces of glass fell onto the floor. Some pieces were stuck in my hand. The pain in my hand felt like nothing compared to the throbbing soreness in my chest.
"Whoa!" Brian yelled.
"Jeremy!" Rose ran to me. I pushed her away and ran down the stairs.
"I find it hard to stay with the words you say to me, Rose!" I yelled at her, "I'm not a fucking fool! I should have known this from the start!" I ran down the stairs, almost tripping from the water in my eyes blurring up my vision. Rose tried to come after me. "I fucking told you I loved you, Rose! I FUCKING LOVED YOU!"
"Jeremy! Please let me explain! Let me come back to your place and explain!" Rose begged.
"NO! AND THIS TIME I MEAN IT! NEVERMIND THE TIMES I'VE SEEN IT!" I yelled at her, "I saw you kissing that douche, that son of a bitch! I thought you hated him!"
"Jeremy, it was a mistake!" she tried to hold my hand as I left the school under the heavy rain.
"Fuck yes it was!" I exclaimed, "Everything you did for me was to just get in my pants! After I finally gave you my body you decided you wanted more!"
"No please, he-"
"You stay away from me, and you stay away from everyone I've ever introduced you to!" I commanded her, "You can't keep my brother and you won't fuck my friends!" I yelled at her some more, "We're not working out…!" I got into my car in tears as I started the engine and drove off. Rose was crying in the rear view mirror as I drove off.

I saw her fall to the ground with the rain pouring over her. She was soaked. I noticed Brian walking in her direction. I drove faster and looked away from the rear view mirror. I felt this throbbing pain in my chest. I put my hand on my chest and tried to swallow that lump away in my throat. I noticed my cell phone started ringing again. I looked at the name and it was Rose. I opened the phone and closed it to avoid hearing from her and preventing her from leaving me a voice mail. I drove to a stop light and slammed my head against the steering wheel. I took my finger and began drawing a heart-shape figure on the windshield in front of me in hopes that it would somehow help my depression. It didn't help. The heart remained there, almost as if it were mocking me. I immediately hated it and everything around me. The phone began to ring again so I opened it and closed it again. It was like my entire life was thrown back at me in one pile of shit. I didn't want to talk to her. Rose ruined everything.

I was almost home when she tried calling again. I opened the phone and closed it. I ran my fingers through my wet hair to get it out of my face. This stressed out feeling was taking over all of me. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't take it any longer. Rose was my inspiration, my everything. She made me a better person. Mikey, Adam, Richard and Jay all knew that Rose was accountable for my better state. She made me feel like I was significant for once in my life. She made a difference to me and she was the first person ever to tell me that she liked me for who I was: this alarming-looking person. I didn't want to be hers anymore. I wanted nothing to do with her. She was kissing Brian, just days after our first time in bed. Who knows how long she's been doing this…?

I arrived at the apartments. I almost swerved into another car while trying to park. My parking wasn't its best that day, but I didn't care. I opened the door loudly and it flung open and hit the doorstop hard. Mikey, Jay, Adam and Richard were there in the living room flipping through channels. They looked back at how disheartened and blue I was with the raindrops still pouring like crazy in the background. I threw my keys up on the counter as Jay stood up.
"Jeremy…?" Jay asked. I didn't answer. I slammed the door shut and looked back with a grimacing facial expressing. They were all alarmed the moment I went to the fridge for a bottle of beer.
"Hey…" Mikey started, "Where's Rose…?"
"Are you okay?" Richard started. I didn't answer any of them as I started drinking rapidly. I fell to the ground by the kitchen counter.
"Jeremy!" Adam walked up to me and grabbed me by the collar. "What the fuck happened? Where's Rose? Did something happen between you two?"
"ROSE?!" I questioned, "THAT CHEATING LIAR!" I drank some more and buried my head in my hands. Mikey and Jay looked at each other in a surprise.
"Cheated on you?" Mikey asked, "Why? With whom?"
"BRIAN!" I yelled, "She fucking ripped my heart out, ate it, and spat it back into my face!" I explained drinking the last bit of what was in the beer bottle. I couldn't control myself.
"God, no…" Richard tried to pull the bottle out of my hand.
"Brian?!" Mikey stood up in a craze, "THAT SON OF A BITCH HAS ROSE?!"
"They were kissing by the bathrooms!" I told them.
"Bathrooms?! What the hell…! God knows what they have done in there…" Adam spoke out.
"Jeremy, please you have to get a hold of yourself…" Jay looked at my hand. "What the hell happened to your hand?!"
"I punched a window…" I told him as I tried to make my way to the fridge to get another beer.
"You're bleeding on the carpet…" Richard ran to the bathroom to get the first-aid. I opened another bottle and began guzzling that one down as well. Adam pulled the bottle from me as he tried to sit me down in a chair. I grabbed the bottle back and continued drinking. I stopped drinking the moment I heard a loud vibration coming from Mikey's pocket. Mikey took out his phone to see who it was.
"Rose is calling…" Mikey told us, "I'm going to answer it…"
"I don't think you should…" Jay advised as Mikey opened his phone.
"Hello…?" Mikey answered.
"Mikey? It's Rose!" Rose said.
"You whore!" Adam looked back.
"Mikey please let me talk to Jeremy!" Rose begged. The sound of Rose's voice made me grab Mikey's phone. I put it up to my ear.
"You can cry all you want to, I don't care how much you invest yourself in me." I told Rose as I hung up the phone and threw it back to Mikey. I continued drinking the remainder of beer in the bottle as Richard started picking the glass out of my hand slowly.
"Will you be alright?" Adam asked, "I'll call in sick tomorrow if you need me to stay."
"I will, too." Jay patted me on the shoulder.
"No, I should have seen this coming…" I told them.
"All you need is time to get over her…" Mikey advised. I slammed the bottle on the counter.
"Get over her?!" I yelled at him, "She made me who I am today! She's helped me in a way that most people can't live up to! IT WAS LIKE LOSING MOM ALL OVER AGAIN!" I shook my head.
"No, don't say that!" Adam told me. He grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. I tried to move out of his grasp. Richard patched up my hand and I stood up immediately. I walked to the fridge to get a couple more bottles and I walked to the door with my keys in my hand.
"Jeremy, you can't drive in that state!" Jay pulled me back. I pulled away from his grip.
"Let me fucking go!" I pulled away and ran outside in the rain. I looked back to see Mikey looking for me. I failed you Mikey. I failed you as a guardian and as a brother.

I could see them walk out of the apartment to see where I was going. I made my way to the car. I didn't want to be here anymore. I just wanted to be alone for the rest of my life. I jogged down the sidewalk to my car. My hair was soaking wet covering my face. I ran past a nearby tree when I noticed an insanely bright flash zoom past me. I jumped as an enormous flash of lighting struck the tree I just ran by. I was on the ground and I looked up at the tree. It was on fire. All I could see was Rose's face and the times we laid in bed together talking about our interests. All I could see was her helping me. My heart was racing. It was aching and racing all at once. My breathing became very fast and I started shaking again. I wanted to cry so bad at that point. I was in denial, and rejection. I didn't want to think about Rose but this burning bright flame of flaxen yellow brought back devastating memories. I got up and tried my best to not look at the burning tree. I ran to my car and got inside.
"JEREMY!" Mikey yelled from afar. He was trying to run towards me but Adam was pulling him back. I began driving away from the scene. In my rearview mirror I could see Mikey struggling.
"We have to follow him! He took a few beers with him and we can't let him drive intoxicated!" Jay pulled Mikey to his car. I saw them run for Jay's car. I drove faster and out of their view stressed out and depressed. My pyrophobia was back. I let everyone down. Especially my mom; I let her down as well.

I drove far away to forget everything but nothing worked. A large decrepit building caught my eye. I made my way near it. It wasn't too far from the high school but I doubt the would find me here. I gazed up at this infirm structure. I stayed in the car while I caught my breath and put my head back. I wanted the rain to go away, but it wouldn't. The loud drops on my windshield were enough to make me go insane.
"FUCKING GO AWAY ALREADY!" I slammed my head against the steering wheel. A loud honk was made and it kept going until I took my head off of the wheel. I ran my hand through my hair. I let everyone down. I didn't overcome my fear. That tree on fire made me shake uncontrollably. It was without a doubt that I was terrified of fire. I put my hand on the glove compartment. Dare I open it? I did.

There laid Dad's handgun. He never used it but he always threatened to. I looked outside of the window at the sky. Oh how I miss you terribly, Rose. Why did you have to go back to Brian?
"She never loved you." the gun mocked. I looked at it and all I could think of was Dad.
"FUCK YOU! YOU NEVER LOVED MOM!" I slammed my head on the wheel as I shut the glove compartment. I didn't want to hear Dad's voice again. I didn't want to think of Mom. I thought I was over everything. I thought I wouldn't have to worry about my parents ever again. Everything was at its best. I was on a roll. My trembling hands and aching heart made me want to take a match and burn the high school along with Brian in it.
"You might as well go back to you anti-anxiety pills…" the gun mocked me from inside the glove compartment. I shook my head as I tried to block his voice. The dashboard storage space was mocking me and all I could do was sit there and take it. I stared there drinking what was last left of one of the bottles I took from home. I finished it off and threw it out of the window. I stayed there emotionally intoxicated.
I put my hand on the handle of the glove compartment and swung it open. I took Dad's gun out and checked to see if it was loaded. It was.  I got out of the car and walked slowly to the abandoned warehouse. I walked inside a room of complete nothingness. The walls on the inside were enclosed with graffiti. The abstract shapes of blue, indigo, yellow, white, green and red made me think about the picture of the flame Rose drew for me. Oh, how she loved art. I began drinking the last bottle that I had with me. I put my keys in my pocket as I sat in a nearby chair in this dark, prosaic room. This unhappy room made me shake from being out in the rain so much. My hair was a little drippy, and my jacket a little soaked. I stared down at a loaded gun as I continued drinking.

My phone began ringing. I looked to see who it was. The image that first popped up was Mikey's face. I let it ring for a while but then it stopped. Then it began ringing again. I decided to answer.
"What…?" I slurred.
"…Jeremy?" Mikey started, "Please tell us where the hell you are!"
"Jeremy, come on! We checked the pharmacy and we're at the school. We managed to find Rose!" Jay started, "Let us bring her to you to calm you down."
"Calm me down?!" I cried, "This day has been terrible…! I let all of you down again…ALL OF YOU! I'm sorry Mikey…"
"…You let us down…?" Mikey started.
"I'm afraid of fire again…" I told them, "I can't stand it. Now every time I see it I think of Rose…I just…I just want everything to go away…everything…"
"I know you have Dad's gun in the car." Mikey started. Adam and Richard shrieked in the background. I could hear Jay grab the phone from Mikey.
"GODAMMIT JEREMY!" Jay yelled at me, "YOU HAVE A GUN?! DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE!" Jay continued to yell at me. I just got more irritated.
"Please Jeremy it's not what your mom would want" Richard popped in, "she wouldn't like it! You would just be proving that your father is better than you!"
"Tell us where you are so I can kick your ass!" Adam grabbed the phone, "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DEGRADE YOURSELF IN FRONT OF US! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO LET YOURSELF BE DEFEATED BY YOUR ASS OF A FATHER! YOU HAVE MIKEY, JAY RICHARD AND I! I WILL NOT SIT HERE AND LISTEN TO YOU WHINE!"
"Shut the hell up, Adam!" I yelled, "you're the tough guy, you don't have anything to worry about!"
"We're going to keep looking for you Jeremy…" Rose spoke. I stopped trembling. I stared at the phone blankly. Rose and them were going to look for me until their hearts gave out. I didn't care. I knew Mikey well enough to know he would be very disappointed. I didn't want him to see my disappointed. I didn't want him to be dissatisfied with a brother like me. I let them all down.

I heard a car pull up from outside. I finished what was last left in the bottle. I lost count of how many bottles I had. I threw it to the side of he room along with the rest of the trash that laid there. I could hear Adam and Richard point out my car. That was probably how they found me. I could hear several footsteps come in my direction. I looked back to see who would be coming at me first.
"Found him!" Adam pointed out. Jay and everyone else were behind him. I stood facing away from them with the gun pointed to my head. They all stopped dead in their tracks.
"Jeremy…?" Rose said in tears. Mikey was holding her back.
"Let me handle this…" Jay pushed them aside and started pacing his way to me. "Jeremy, let's talk this over…put the gun down…"
"No…" I held the gun up to my head.
"Please talk to me…let's talk about this please…" Rose started.
"I don't want to talk…I just want to be alone…I want you out of my life…"
"No, please let me back into your life I didn't mean what I did, I'm sorry!" Rose pleaded.
"I want to be shut away from all of you…I'm sorry Mikey, I'm sorry Mom…" I looked away from all of them not paying attention to them. Everything I've done these past months everything went to waste.
"Please let me in…" Rose whispered to herself as she cried softly. I shook my head.

I could feel my hand tense up. I knew that at any moment one of them would come running after me. I could hear Mikey and Rose crying in the background. I turned my head to see Richard and Mikey looking away to avoid the moment that I would soon pull the trigger. Adam and Jay stared straight at me. They were the tougher ones in the group. Mikey and Rose…they wept for me.
"Someone has to convince him…" Adam looked back. Mikey stood up. I stood facing them with the gun still pointing to my head.
"Say happy birthday…" Mikey cried. My eyes widened.
"…What…?" I said.
"It's Mom's birthday today…"Mikey sniffled. I stared at him. I could feel my hands start to sweat. Jay and Adam looked up to the ceiling as if we were under blue skies. I swallowed hard and tried my best to not noticed that painful lump in my throat.
"…H-Happy Birthday…Mom…" I looked up. Everyone was quiet for a bit. That made me think. I couldn't kill myself on my mom's birthday. That just wouldn't be right…I couldn't do it.
"It was an accident, Jeremy…" Rose started, "Brian made me do it…you believe me right…?"
"C'mon Jeremy, we brought Rose all the way over here to tell you this…" Jay started.
"Everything we've been through Jeremy: the hours of talking on the phone and the times we laid in bed together…"
"…Like a bed of Roses…there's a dozen reasons in this gun…" I told Rose.
"I'm trying…" she wept, "I'm trying to let you know just how much you mean to me…and after all the things we put each other through…" she tried to walk to me. I saw her hold up a piece of paper.
"What's that?" I asked.
"This is the picture of the cemetery that's just a few blocks from your apartment…" Rose sniffled, "I managed to save you enough money to set a proper burial for your mom and dad here…"
"….A burial?" I could feel my hand loosen its grip on the gun. I didn't want to kill myself anymore. I could see the picture from afar. The cemetery was beautiful. It was the perfect place for Mom and Dad. Rose managed to save enough money for them to have their own grave…?